NFL Preview: Part V

Jacksonville Jaguars: Leftwich is a decent QB, and he has some weapons to throw to. As usual, Fred Taylor's health will weigh heavily in the success of this team. Jacksonville has got a great defense against the run. In this weakened division this team will probably get a wild card berth but are not Super Bowl contenders. Prediction: 9-7

Houston Texans: I predicted this team to be a sleeper last year but was disappointed. Andre Johnson is a star in the making but this team is the definition of mediocre. Prediction: 8-8

Tennessee Titans: McNair is a warrior. Drew Bennett is a pretty good player. Norm Chow, you are a long way from USC buddy. This team will take some serious beatings this year. Prediction: 4-12

Indianapolis Colts: The Colts are once again the class of the division. The real question for this team will be how they will handle the playoffs. A Colts-Falcons Super Bowl would not shock me. Prediction: 11-5

Not dead

It's been far too long my droogs, but fear not as your fearless leader will return soon to lead you deeper into the labrynth. Leave your breadcrumbs behind you or return may not be possible.

NFL Preview: Part IV

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys: I used to play Madden on Nintendo 64 and the Cowboys were my squad. I only ran about five plays and they all pretty much involved Michael Irvin posting someone up or Emmitt Smith on a screen or run. Another great aspect of that game was the ability to put Deion Sanders in at WR where he was pretty much uncoverable although he did drop alot of passes. The current crop of Cowboys bear little resemblance to the dominating Cowboy teams of the mid 90's. They have a stout defense and running game but their passing attack hasn't been much. They picked up Bledsoe, but that doesn't appear to be a significant upgrade. The Cowboys will have a pretty good year though and will likely have a better record than the Eagles. Prediction: 9-7

Washington Redskins: With all the hoopla with the NCAA's attempts to ban ethnic or tribal mascots it amuses me that no one talks about the most offensive mascot of them all. Of course they are a classic team in the most profitable sporting league in America so of course they are untouchable. Look up what the word "Oklahoma" means, you may be surprised. At any rate, the Redskins have one if the top running backs in the NFL and a pretty good defense. Unfortunately, Joe Gibbs is learning that the modern NFL game is a bit different than the one he was effective in during the 1980's. That coupled with a weak group of receivers will prevent the Redskins from making much noise. Prediction: 7-9

New York Giants: Eli isn't all that great, nor is Shockey, nor is Tiki, nor is anyone else on this team. Prediction: 6-10

Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles have some serious deficiencies that will be exposed this season. Alot depends on how the T.O. situation plays out but a great deal of damage has already been done. Unless they find a way to trade Owens for some great value or clone Westbrook the Eagles will have a hard time putting up many points this year. Prediction: 8-8

Hmmmm

Sunday evening may have gone on too long when:

1. You are there for "last call" at the bar.
2. You then proceed to another bar that stays open later.
3. You drink three more red bull and vodkas at said bar.
4. An incredibly ugly and fat girl attempts to whore herself at said bar.
5. You consider it (briefly)
6. You are there for the second "last call" of the evening.
7. You proceed to the strip club.
8. Shooter girls show their oral proficiencies and simulate sexual acts on each other with a lighter.
9. The third "last call" of the evening is heard.
10. Your head hurts at work from getting less than 3 hours of sleep.

This is all hypothetical mind you.

Excitement

There is little in this world that I like as much as being in Athens, Georgia on a gameday. The beer is flowing, the hotties are out in the tight red and black, and there is just an electricity in the air. I have been studying the Dawgs' schedule and have concluded that if things go correctly in the opener, we stand an excellent chance of being 4-0 going into a Oct. 8 showdown with the Volunteers in Knoxville. The Dawgs' will have an off week going into that game and should be well rested and prepared. Granted it is getting ahead of myself to think that far ahead but gaddamn it I just can't wait for some football to be played! If we can win that game, we will be heavy favorites against Miss St. and Arkansas and be 7-0. If that is indeed the case the showdown with Florida will reach epic proportions. Of course a loss to Boise St. or South Carolina would erase all my ideas of grandeur and would endanger anyone in my immediate vicinity who so much as looks at me funny. College Football is a different animal than the NFL, one loss pretty much dooms your chances of winning it all. There is no wild card. There is only next year. We should be able to run the ball on anyone this year with our three-headed beast of tailbacks along with the best tight end in college football. Git 'er done!

Edit: While surfing the web I found a picture of a friend of mine from college on a website that posts NY city parties. I had no idea he was a hipster now. Small world.

NFL Preview: Part III

AFC EAST

Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins are the one team in this division that has absolutely no chance to win the division or even make the playoffs as a wild card. They have two inept QB's, an aging defense, and everybody's favorite laid-back potsmoking dred is making an appearance. Besides Chris Chambers and Randy McMichael who will put up big numbers in fantasy leagues, there is nothing interesting here. Prediction: 4-12

New York Jets: The Jets should have beaten the Chargers in the playoffs last year if not for their shitty kicker. This year they have drafted a good kicker, traded their top receiver for a similar quality receiver, and signed an elite CB in Ty Law. These moves will pay off if Curtis Martin and Lamont Jordan can keep the offense moving with their solid but unspectacular keep-the-chains moving type of running style. Barring a collapse in the running game the Jets will be in the postseason. Prediction: 10-6

New England Patriots: I have disliked the Patriots ever since their team cost me money by beating the Rams in the Super Bowl way back in 2001. I have never understood how a team with so little talent on paper could beat all the other far more talented teams. I understand now it is because of the great coaching and chemistry this team has. With that being said, I am a stubborn bastard and the smoke and mirrors end this year. To borrow from the Soup Nazi, "NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU!!!" Prediction: 8-8

Buffalo Bills: The Bills traded away the statuesque Drew Bledsoe and are starting an unproven entity in J.P. Losman. The Bills have a very underrated defense, and only a few close losses to start the season prevented the Bills from making the playoffs and being that team that no one wanted to play. This year they will pound the football with McGahee, throw to their two good receivers Moulds and Evans when necessary, and continue to play great defense. They will get home-field advantage for at least one game in the playoffs and would be a Super Bowl darkhorse if they had an experienced QB. As it stands, they will be one of the top four teams in the AFC. Prediction: 11-5

And the Walls fell down.....

She wept, not just for her sins but for our sins. The stale cornbread, the unsweetened tea, the soggy bacon. Do they not know that cornbread should be moist, tea sweet, bacon crispy? Soon they will fall to their knees, look up, and read the etching on the gate of their new home.

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE

There is no victimless crime in my view. God is the victim. He has been insulted by your vulgar displays. Spit in the face of your creator? Vomit the life he has given to you upon him? How would you have Him respond? God ain't no sucka, he will not be played by your petty games. God ain't no holla back gurl. He will respond with some shit for your ass. And believe you me, his shit will be bananas! But god is no crack-whorish anorexic-looking singer who needs to get a tan and go back to making decent music. No sir. He is the ice-cold muthafucker who will tell you just what he is going to do to you and then do it, with there being not a damn thing you can do about it because this mutha is just too damn tough. God has a crazy streak in him and if you don't believe me then just ask Sharon Stone's husband what bit his ass and almost killed him with its deadly poison. That's right, it was a dragon. And unlike Smaug, it possesses no soft underbelly just right for a taste of the sting. God is one crazy sum-of-a-bitch. Fortunately, I've got something on him. I've got naked pictures of his mom. Want to see them? Here they are.
God is both order and the chaos, has both the scissors and the healing touch. God and Satan are brothers you see, and they rule together. We are all brothers of the flesh, and our incestuous dance grows almost as stale as the cornbread these days. Fuck the terrorists, bring on the aliens. And if we can't find any of them to kill, lets start with the scientologists. Maybe if we torture them they will tell us where to find them since they obviously know.

"Did I make myself clear Mr. Lawrence?"

Go home, take a nap, eat, work out, watch some football, read, go to sleep. This will be the routine for the next couple of weeks with emphasis on the reading, working out and not putting myself in disadvantageous situations. NO MERCY, SWEEP THE LEGS!!!

NFL Preview: Part II

NFC North:

Green Bay Packers: This team has traditionally been the class of the division. They still possess a top-tier RB in Ahman Green, a decent receiving core and an aging Brett Favre. Their DL isn't too bad with KGB, but the age of this team along with their porous secondary is going to catch up with them. I don't see the playoffs in their future. Prediction: 7-9

Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings finished 8-8 last year, which was good enough to make the playoffs and advance to play the Eagles in the 2nd round. Culpepper had an unbelievably effective year that was overshadowed by Manning's record-shattering year. Unfortunately, they have lost Randy Moss, although they are trying to replace him with 1st round pick Troy Williamson. The Vikings, ultimately, will be undone this year with their total lack of a running game. Tice will lose his job after this disappointing season. Prediction: 5-11

Chicago Bears: The Bears have been one of the worst teams in the NFL for the past several years. The reason for this is pretty simple: they couldn't score any points. Their defense is solid, but when they are constantly on the field because the offense can't manage to get more than one first down every two possessions or so, they are doomed. Rex Grossman was an elite QB at Florida, but has acomplished little as a pro mostly due to his inept teammates and injuries. This year the Bears drafted offense in the first four rounds, highlighted with their first round pick of Cedric Benson 4th overall. I think they screwed up by not taking Cadilac Williams but apparently the Bears think Benson is going to be their workhorse. I think the Bears are about due for a turnaround and this year they will make some nice strides. Prediction: 9-7

Detroit Lions: The Lions started strong last year, going 4-2 to start the season, including an embarrasing (for me and the city) road win at the Georgia Dome where many annoying Detroit fans were talking about how they hoped to see us in the playoffs and other such crap. A 2-8 end of their season negated all of that nonsense and placed both Harrington and Mariucci on the hot seat. The Lions are absolutely loaded on offense with a great receiving core of Charlie Rogers, Mike Williams, and Roy WIlliams. Injuries to Rogers and WIlliams last year limited the effectiveness of their passing attack, but I think they are going to put up some big numbers this year regardless if its Harrington or "fruity" Jeff Garcia leading them. Their running game should be similarly impressive as Kevin Jones has been showcasing his blazing speed (what is it with the Virginia Tech players, must be something in the water), and he averaged well over 100 yards a game throughout the last games of the season. Detroit will be dangerous this year. Prediction: 11-5

NFL Preview: Part I

The sun turned the teardrop into a prism as it plummeted to the earth
shattering into a thousand miniature rainbows
until they melded with the earth
just as her father had
earlier in the day

Aight... fuck all that gay poetry shit. Let's talk about this upcoming NFL season. This will be the first of my series predicting the division winners in the NFL. Lets start with the AFC North today.

Pittsburgh Steelers: They have a second year QB in Ben Rothlessnamer, an aging RB combo in Duce Staley and "the Bus". Hines Ward, the heart and soul of their team is holding out because the team has not reconstructed his contract as they promised they would in the off-season and their policy is not to negotiate with holdouts (kinda like not negotiating with terrorists but I digress). This will cause significant disturbances in team chemistry and morale and I see a bad season for this team in a much-improved division. They will start the season out 1-3 and will never recover. Prediction: 7-9

Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens have one of the best defenses in football anchored by their murderous Inside Linebacker Ray Lewis, one of the best running backs in the NFL in Jamal Lewis, and an elite Tight End in Todd Heap. Unfortunately for them, their receiving core sucks as does their quarterback. I see a good season and a wild card playoff berth though. Prediction: 9-7.

Cleveland Browns: The Browns drafted a pretty good WR in the draft this year. They still suck ass. Prediction: 5-11.

Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals have long been the laughing stock off the NFL. But by hiring a no-nonsense, defensive-oriented coach, and by drafting wisely the past few years, they are in a position to change that. They have a solid RB in Rudi Johnson, a potential superstar QB in Carson Palmer, and a quality base of wideouts led by Chad Johnson. But Marvin Lewis didn't focus on the offense this offseason, he instead drafted defense the first two rounds and added immediate starters with former Bulldawgs LB Odell Thurman and DE/LB hybrid David Pollack. The Bengals will rouse from their slumber this year and earn a division crown. Prediction: 10-6

Coach Reg Marin (Big Ups!!)

"Shut down your operation, closed for business
leave a foul taste in your mouth like guinness
I was born to take power leave my mark on this planet
The phantom of crime rap, niggaz are left stranded."- Hell on Earth

The room reeked of piss and body odor. I tried to think back to my jailhouse experiences many years earlier, was the smell worse among inmates or the retards that I taught? No question about it, its the retards.

I didn't think it was going to be like this, I had always liked children, was patient, and felt sorry for kids who were born with special needs. It had seemed like a good fit, and the pay was better than the average teacher. Unfortunately, the job had become an endless assault on my senses and the torment I had endured the past several months had definitely warped my soul. I had been vomited on, urinated on, struck with fists and food, I had been burned when one particularly demonic sped had apparently heated up some keys with a lighter and handed them to me, saying he had found them on the ground. I still have a scar from that trick. I can also remember the retarded giggles and how he rolled around on the floor, drooling in ecstasy as I jumped around, clutching my hand.

All that was about to change. Eric Rudolph had it wrong, the problem isn't that abortion is done too little, but that it is not executed with surgical precision. It isn't the quantity of fetus' that we throw in the dumpster, it is the quality that is important. Like in Willy Wonka, the determination needs to be made whether one is a "good egg" like Charlie, or a "bad egg" like Veruca Salt. As for my class, it is a room-full of rotten, putrid eggs that not even a starving man would put in his mouth. Naptime will take on a whole new meaning today after I pass out the kool-aid that I give them for snacks. This will be a little "kool-aid plus", as Alex from a Clockwork Orange would say, and while the tards slip into their endless rest I will slip out the door and into my packed car. I'm sure they are looking for teachers in Mexico.