Friday, January 28, 2005

Atlanta Braves 2005 Lineup

"When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy."-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Grey

Dorian Grey was a literary character who, after having his portrait painted, found that his portrait would age instead of him, rendering him immortal. With his newfound power, he began a life of debauchery and excess, doing whatever he pleased and killing whoever he chose. The portrait, in addition to aging for him, became more and more ugly, thus reflecting the blackening of his soul due to the atrocities he committed. In the end, his lover discovered the hideous thing and threw it into the fire, killing Dorian. Like Dorian, the Braves have seemingly lived in a state of suspended animation for 13 years, forever winning our division. Our owners, as of late, have been committing a grave sin against Braves fans, namely, being cheapskates. They let Sheffield and Maddox leave. Now they have let Russ Ortiz and J.D Drew leave. Our solution for this year? Trade our two best young prospects (Marrero and Thomas), for a middle of the road closer and a sold starting pitcher, Tim Hudson. We also have made Smoltzie a starter, and brought in a couple of aging discount outfielders, Brian Jordan and Raul Mondesi. Our projected lineup will most likely look something like this:
1st base: Franco, LaRoche(platoon), 2nd Giles, SS Furcal, 3rd C. Jones, C Estrada, Perez
OF Mondesi, A. Jones, Jordan. SP Smoltz, Hudson, Hampton, Ramirez, Thompson
Key Bench: Green, Betemit.

Our main division rivals will be the Marlins (who just signed Delgado), and the Phillies.

Prediction: The Braves portrait gets thrown in the fire, ending the streak. But since even our success has become routine and boring, is that even such a bad thing?
*Afternote* This is likely the greatest story of all time.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

My idea for a reality TV show

First, you start out with two brain-dead, annoying twats who wouldn't be able to survive a month in the real world, except for the fact that they come from money and are moderately fuckable. Oh I don't know, lets call them Rome Richie and Nicole Hilton. And lets put these two on a remote island with five other strangers with "alternative lifestyles", so we can find out what happens when people stop being rude, and start getting fucked with. Of these five strangers, one of them will be an undercover operative working for the show called "the gopher". The gopher's job will be to systematically kill off all of the other strangers until he is alone with Rome and Nicole. Once this occurs he will present them with an immunity challenge from the axe murder that he has dished out four times already. This challenge will be of course, to play each other heads up at no-limit hold 'em. The loser of this match will be beheaded and fed to the rats while the winner will, of course, become the love slave of our psychopathic gopher. Once a child is born, other women will be flown in from network headquarters to assist our lovely couple in caring for the child. Once the baby grows to a reasonable age, 4 or so, it will be presented with the ultimate question of "who's your maternal unit?" A correct answer will ensure the child will be written into the testimentary document of the mother and will receive riches galore. A wrong answer and the child will be fired from the show, beheaded and fed to the rats.
Sounds pretty good, huh? I think I'll pitch this one to HBO, it may be a bit too tame for FOX.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

That shit is fo'real?

" ..our pleasures in this world are always to be paid for.. "- Jane Austen

Superheroes of the future. And the Supervillians of today.

I sure wish I could get rid of my myostasin.

Poetry time!

Although my short story writing skills are terribly rusty, our brilliant president continues to dazzle me with his brilliant but simplistic bushisms. Here is our nation's laureate now... (every verse is an actual bush quote).

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

I admit it, I was wrong. The elections are going to be a piece of cake in Iraq. Gosh I'm glad we went over there. I'll bet everyone mentioned in this article is as well.

Gooey Goodness

As he drove past the liquor stores and various fast food eateries, signs on a decaying civilization, he wondered why he felt so damn happy. Nothing truly positive had occurred recently that he could recall, in fact, many of the recent events in his life left him feeling hollow. For if the glass can be seen as either half-full or half-empty, what then is a human? Are we merely shells of flesh to be beaten down by time's inevitability? Or are we God's perfect animal, a creature capable both of brilliance and savagry? Hmmm, strange thoughts from one on the way back to work from Zaxby's, a bagfull of fried chicken sandwiches dripping with gooey goodness on the seat next to him, voices droning on from the radio, blabbing about the same meaningless topics they talk about everyday. Why rationalize one's feelings, he concluded, merely accept. Actions we can control, thoughts we can guide down paths of our own choosing, but feelings..... they come from somewhere within, somewhere....
Reality suddenly ended his rambling thoughts with a 1999 Ford Explorer smashing into his drivers side door, a result of the red light our thoughtful protagonist had run. The crash reduced his car to a twisted hunk of metal resembling a makeshift canoe. As our amateur philosopher's heart beat for the last few times, his brain released its final thought.... "damn that sandwich woulda been good..."

This public service message has been brought to you by the letter "Z", and is dedicated to the memory of Johnny Carson and Ol' Dirty, pour a little somethin' out for both of these smokers will ya?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Hodge Podge

Highly unethical poker move #1: If playing at a formal setting such as a casino or organized tournament, here is a little trick that may dupe an asshole into dumping all of his chips to you. The only fault of this technique is that you need to have the nuts and you need your foolish foe to bet into you (I know... doesn't happen so often). Once he has made his bet, stare at him and act as though you know you are beat. Then loudly exclaim "you have the nuts again, huh? You just bet that little amount cause you want me to go all-in, didn't you?" As you say this, emphasize the all-in part and "accidently" knock your chips towards the middle. For those not familiar with official rules, your verbal declaration as well as physical movement of the chips would require an all-in bet or at least the amount you knocked forward. An accomplice to inform the sucker of this fact would be nice here. Then of course you protest this decision loudly, perhaps even making a threat. In the end however, angrily agree to the all-in, perhaps even acting as though you are about to leave. Ideally the chump betting into you with his top pair or whatever he has will call your bet, and will realize that you have been playing him like your little puppet all along. Worth a shot.

Borat update: It appears that Ali G's buddy Borat was not actually filming for HBO when he almost got himself lynched a while back. He actually was filming a faux documentary film that is now in limbo due to the director quitting over this little debochle.

Lastly, talk about a Lunchpail type NFL player!

Oldies but Goodies

Here, in no particular order, are a few of the movies that I watched as a youth that inspired/influenced/cursed me in becoming the person I am today.

1. Cloak and Dagger (Saw it again the other night- real cheese-fest)
2. The Last Starfighter (Classic material)
3. Big Trouble in Little China (Vintage Kurt Russell, and Kim Cattrall actually looks hot)
4. Creepshow (Special Effects are a joke now, but the Ted Danson sketch scared the shit out of me when I was young).
5. Wildcats (Still a great film. All-star cast)
6. Aliens (I liked it better than the original because there was more action. One of my favorite lines of all time- "Game over man, we're all gonna die"
7. Rocky III and IV (Loved them both. Mr.T as Clubber Lang might be one of the most (unintentionally) funny characters in film history.
8. Flowers in the Attic and Mommie Dearest (I was a bit too young to fully understand either of these fucked-up movies. Both are highly disturbing, Kristy Swanson wasn't yet in her prime in Flowers, but gaddamn she looked good in Buffy.
9. Karate Kid (Straight classic. I have "You're the best" downloaded, and bought me a Cobra Kai T-shirt from the web. Dutch was my favorite cause you could tell he was crazy as shit.
10. The Goonies ('Nuff said)

Honorable mentions: Weird Science, Breakfast Club (would be on list but I didn't see this one till later), Explorers, D.A.R.Y.L, The Neverending Story, A Christmas Story, License to Drive (How could you go wrong with both Feldmans and Heather Graham?)

Monday, January 24, 2005

Drugs are bad.... mm'kay?

Props to this girl, for this little gem. I don't think I need to comment on this one.

Woman convicted for letting toddler smoke pot
By CLAIR JOHNSONOf The Gazette Staff
A federal judge this week convicted a Gardiner woman who encouraged her toddler daughter to smoke marijuana.
U.S. District Judge Richard Cebull Wednesday found Jessica Durham, 23, guilty of distributing marijuana to a person under the age of 18 years.
Durham will be sentenced April 20 by Senior U.S. District Judge Jack Shanstrom. She faces up to 10 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.
'Crime photographed
Cebull's ruling comes after a one-day bench trial on Oct. 27 in which a key prosecution witness described how she photographed Durham holding a water pipe while her 18-month-old daughter put her mouth over the top. The water pipe, called a bong, allows smoke to be drawn through water into a glass tube and inhaled.
The witness, Brandi Nichols of Gardiner, turned Durham in to authorities along with the photographs. The photographs were entered as evidence.
Durham did not testify at her trial, and the defense called no witnesses.
Defense attorneys Robin Hammond and Zachary Cain argued that there was no proof that marijuana was in the bong. And they suggested that the photographs could be of Durham taking away the bong rather than offering it to her toddler.
Further, the attorneys said Nichols, an admitted marijuana user with a felony drug conviction, was not a credible witness. And they questioned whether the case was distribution within the meaning of the statute.
Cebull ruled that distribution does not need to be for pay or profit. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has held that sharing of drugs constituted distribution, his order said.
Witness credible
Cebull also found that Nichols' testimony as a witness was credible.
"Brandi Nichols stated she saw (Durham) light and give a water bong to her daughter … to inhale. Brandi testified that she smoked from the bong as well and that from her knowledge and experience with marijuana, the bong contained marijuana,'' the judge said.
Nichols testified at trial that she and Durham, whom she had helped move to Montana in the fall of 2003, had smoked marijuana "a good handful'' of times at Durham's residence in Gardiner.
In early February 2004, Durham, who was estranged from her husband, was moving to Washington with her mother. Nichols testified that she was helping Durham pack on Feb. 3 when she entered Durham's residence, hugged the toddler and sat on the couch. Next to the couch was a 2-foot-tall bong.
Nichols said the toddler ran for the bong and that she tried to wave her away. "She threw the only fit I've ever seen her throw,'' she said.
Durham told Nichols that her daughter wanted the bong and proceeded to light the residue in the pipe. Nichols said Durham sucked marijuana smoke up through the water into the pipe and gave the bong to her daughter. "She (the toddler) put her mouth on it and took a big hit,'' Nichols said.
Nichols then took a turn inhaling from the pipe, Durham smoked again and gave her baby the pipe again. Nichols testified that she got a buzz off the smoke, went outside and got sick. "I was freaking out,'' she testified.
Nichols went home upset at what she saw and told her boyfriend what had happened. He told her to go back and take photographs because "nobody would believe us,'' Nichols said.
Nichols returned with a digital camera. Durham, she said, suggested it would be "cool'' if they had pictures of the baby smoking a bong and that she wanted to send a picture to High Times, a marijuana magazine.
At trial, Assistant U.S. Attorney Marcia Hurd displayed a series of pictures taken by Nichols. One showed a little girl in a pink Winnie the Pooh shirt and pants and Tigger slippers holding onto the bong with her hand and face close to the top of the pipe. Durham was seated on a couch smiling and holding the pipe with one hand.
Nichols testified that Durham told her she let her child smoke marijuana because she wasn't eating or sleeping enough.
Nichols said that after Durham left, she called her former state probation officer, whom she trusted, told her what happened and e-mailed her the photographs. She also reported the incident to the Livingston Police Department.
Law enforcement officers arrested Durham in Butte, where her vehicle had broken down, and placed the toddler in foster care. The child has since been placed with relatives.
A test of the toddler's urine seven days after she allegedly smoked marijuana was negative for the drug, witnesses said.
Denver Cobb, a detective with the Missouri River Drug Task Force in Park County, testified that in an interview after her arrest, Durham initially denied letting her baby smoke marijuana. Then, Durham told him that she let her baby "take no more than five hits,'' he said.

The Aftermath

"Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling something" - Various sources

Weekend is over. Brutal times. I heard some painfully amusing putdowns, met some famously forgettable people, and watched one of the most disappoining games ever. I also consumed enough alcohol to kill a horse or normal person. The result of all of these various abuses is that I am rather dazed and confused and am not 100% sure that what I am typing is real and not some vicious nightmare. Looking back on it, I have determined that there are certain things that need to be accomplished by me. With no more football to watch for several months, I have no more excuses to go out getting shit-faced on a regular basis. I am going to read more, work out more, cook more, and generally get things right. The Falcons season is over. The time for growth has just begun.

Friday, January 21, 2005

NFC/AFC championship picks

What dumbass scheduled both games on Sunday? They should have had one on Saturday and one on Sunday so people would have time to sober up for work on Monday. I suppose I can understand that they wanted to give the teams that played on Sunday last week the extra day of rest, but since it was the Eagles that played on that day- fuck that. At any rate, I will be watching both games with great interest as I have a large chunk of change at risk, and my 2nd favorite team in the world is playing with a Super Bowl trip on the line. As for my bets/picks, I teased the Over's in both games along with the Falcons and Pats. For those of you that are not degenerate gamblers like myself, that means I got 6 points added to the lines in all four of my picks. Essentially there is 2 G's up in the air for me depending on the outcomes. If my picks come through there will be shots for anyone in my immediate vicinity. Without further delay, here are my picks...

Falcons 27 Eagles 21

Patriots 34 Steelers 17

In other news, the doofus got inaugurated again. (Insert deity here) help us all......

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

he never sleeps

Although many thought The Ring to be a hokey movie, I kinda liked it and was glad to hear that they are coming out with a sequel. I have had my own bouts of insomnia, but this shit is ridiculous. On a completely unrelated note, I need to get back to New Orleans.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Dem Dirty Birds rule!!!

And to think I was worried about this game!?! The Falcons put the type of ass-whooping on the Rams that should seriously concern the Eagles. The Eagles played better than I thought they would (see missed picks) but the Vikings did some real bone-headed things that prevented them from keeping the game close. Who the hell can put up 47 points in the NFL while only throwing for 84 yards? The Falcons played Saturday like the Nebraska Cornhuskers of the mid 90's and straight ran over the Rams. Regardless of the outcome on Sunday this has been a successful year for the Falcons, but I think we have a real chance to do something special and take the Eagles out. The only guy on their offense that scares me is Westbrook, and if we can put some hits on Todd "Alligator Arms" Pinkston, and Freddie "Lawn Gnome" Mitchell early, they are going to be unlikely to make any plays late.
In other news, Mexicans have some funny PSA's on the dangers of alcoholism, ninja's rob fast food restaurants, and one of my favorite shows will be returning in May. Tonk bitch what!!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Come on, everybody now!!!

"Throw the Jew down the well!!" (Funniest..... Shit..... Ever.)

Thursday, January 13, 2005

NFL 2nd round picks

We are down to the elite 8 in the NFL and my beloved Falcons are still alive. They are a seven point favorite against the Rams in a game that scares me, I must admit. The Falcons beat the Rams early in the year 34-17, but the Rams appear to be playing fairly good football as of late, and of course are a dome team so the friendly confines of the Georgia Dome will not likely intimidate them too much. That being said, the Dome is gonna be rocking and Bulger has had to waste many timeouts the last few weeks because of crowd noise and not getting the play in time. The main keys to the game in my eyes are that the Falcons need to be able to control the clock by setting up a consistent running attack while then mixing it up with play actions to Crumpler and Vick scrambles. We also need a strong showing by our pass rush and defensive backs to stop the Rams potent passing attack which I believe they will use for at least 65% of their plays.
Prediction: Falcons 31 Rams 24

Early Saturday game is Jets and Steelers. If the Chargers had won last week I would have picked them to upset the Steelers. There is something about this Steeler team that I just don't buy. Sure I must tip my hat to their amazing 15-1 record and solid QB play from their rookie (I'm not going to try to spell his name), but something tells me this team will certainly lose either this game or the AFC championship. Actually, fuck it, the Jets have some good defense and I'll take them. Lets call it Jets 23 Steelers 17

Vikings and Eagles. I like the Vikings. They were my second favorite team to play with in 2004 Madden (behind ATL), and have the second most explosive offense in the NFL when it is clicking. The Eagles have overachieved this year I believe, and without T.O, their receiving corps just plain sucks. Unless Westbrook has about three TD's, or Culpepper lays an egg, I really like the Vikings here. How about Vikings 27 Eagles 13

*Game of the week: Colts at Patriots. This is a hell of a matchup and a rematch of the playoffs last year as well as the first week of the season when the Colts barely beat NE. The Colts have been running their offense like a Madden game all season, but the outside conditions and NE defense have given them problems before. The NE secondary is not real good without Ty Law (although they got my boy Earthwind who I went to high school with) and Peyton should have a field day. The keys to this game will be whether New England can get its rushing game going to keep the Colts offense off the field, and whether the officials will allow NE to be physical with the Colts receivers. Although I hope Earthwind has three picks and is MVP, I think him and his mates will get torched once too many times and will lose in a shootout. Colts 30 Pats 24

So for the record, I picked three road teams to win. That is likely very foolish, but thats just what I'm feelin at the moment. Lets shift gears shall we and talk about current events....

Lets see here, Brad and Jen broke up, Ali G about got himself killed, D'angelo was arrested for DUI and drug possession, and what else.. hmm...oh yeah, our PRESIDENT IS A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!!
Not to go on a rant here, but this guy is, to quote John Stewart from last night on the Daily Show, "Living in the Truman Show". This is a man who proudly proclaims that he doesn't read the papers, a man whose every public appearance is among hand selected people who agree with his policies and won't ask him questions which would of course expose the fact that he knows little about what he is talking about. A man who has led us into a war under false pretenses which has cost us over 1300 troops lives (and counting), while making us the pariah of the rest of the world. He was promoting President Cheney's Social Security Privatization plan yesterday, and some of the things coming out of his mouth would have been insanely comical had I not thought about how this clown is our Commander in Chief. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he is just a man in way over his head who obeys his advisors simply because he realizes they are smarter than him, but I am afraid that he is actually an evil man. It is the evil genius of the republican party that they could flip the script on a war hero like John Kerry while Bush was awol from the guard and put Kerry on the defensive. I am by no means a bleeding heart liberal, as I consider myself more of an independent with libertarian tendencies, but the demise of the democratic party troubles me. The Republicans have Congress and the Presidency on lock-down and it does not appear that they will relinquish their power anytime soon. I guess the only thing I can look forward to is that this will all be over in four years. I hope that Bush's presidential inauguration goes very similar to last years with people protesting and booing him. The clown won for real this year, but that doesn't mean we have to like it.
Aaaahh.. I feel a little better now. Here's a gift for sitting through my rant... Mary Jane's boobies.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Two fo' one?!?

Do to my boredom and desire to give my loyal readers (reader?)... (anyone?) something to stimulate their mind, I'm gonna throw up some more shit on dis here blog. And no I don't have any reefer if thats what you potheads were thinking mental stimulation is. Here is a somewhat thought provoking (although sappy and written by a Catholic Priest who is a convicted childmolester) message for ya:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak,! and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?

What a great message by a pederast.. I wonder if he gave a great big ol' kiss and hug to an eight-year old boy after writing that gem. He's right about the working too much part, however, thats why I'm gonna give you some free links to some other things that I would rather be doing right now. Let's see here...hmmm.. there's that, and that, and finally.... this.


The ends justify the means

Rather boring weekend really. Drank my liver into near submission Friday night while listening to a local bouncer discuss the finer aspects of Brazilian ju-jitsu submission holds. Spent Saturday drinking water and watching my NFL picks go 0-2 (although I was wise enough not to wager on them). Ended up going out late night and playing cards from 1:00-5:30 A:M for some ungodly reason. Sunday I woke up at 12:00 and watched the two blowouts as well as Randy Moss' "crass and embarrassing" celebration which I thought was funny as shit. I enjoyed it all the more because I had wagered $50 to win $115 on the moneyline and cashed nicely there. Although Moss is clearly a selfish person in some respects, his walking off the field with 2 seconds left and an onside kick to come had no influence on the game whatsoever. His two TD's against Green Bay, while playing on a bad ankle, however, had quite an influence. Moss is the best receiver in the NFL (sorry T.O), and had, before this season, NEVER missed a game. He is also an individual who will tell you what he thinks about things rather than the typical "one game at a time", "I just want to give praise to Jesus", answers that most of these NFL clones respond with. So Randy, for making me money and for amusing me with your antics, you get my gameball. Now go up there to Philly and catch some more TD's so I can make more money and see the NFC championship game up close.
Next Saturday night is the BIG game. Rams and the evil genius coming to the ATL. I chose not to pony up for tickets so I will undoubtedly be watching the game at a sports bar and unmercifully pummelling my liver again with unspeakable horrors. I can't wait.


Friday, January 07, 2005

Ice cream for everyone!!!

I haven't been posting and no one is reading. Such is life. I lost my G's before the USC rout so I wasn't able to cash in there either. Such is my life. Here are my NFL wild card picks since I was such the NCAA prognosticator:

Colts 37
Broncos 27

Bolts 24
Jets 13

Vikings 31
Pack 24

Seahawks 27
Rams 20

Boomshaqua peeoples... and if you are as twisted and evil as I (or close).. peep this site.