Jabberwock's eyelashes

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. Beware the whore of babylon, her legs drip milk and honey but her heart is gall and wormwood. Here is a good article about some people who make a lot more money than I. Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum Red Rum. Ummm... rum sounds yummy, guess I'll leave work now.

Cruelty

You know what would be really cruel? To take a monkey and cage him up in the middle of the jungle where all he could do all day is sit in his cage and monkey around while staring at the beautiful, sunny, fun jungle and dream all of the adventures he could have out there. It would be even more cruel if this particular monkey was constipated and wanted to go to his little cave in the jungle and take a huge shit and he can't shit in his cage because who wants to shit at work and there are all kinds of monkey co-workers there and....

Least the cage gets unlocked at 4:30. Then the monkey business truly begins.

A moment of silence... please

Shana Hiatt is retiring from the World Poker Tour to pursue other interests.
With a heavy heart, we must too continue with our lives.

"Sorrows come to stretch out the heart.... for joy" -Edwin Markham

I don't know either

"Intuitive improvisation is the secret of genius" - Max Zorin, A View to a Kill

Digging headfirst into the cold flesh, the jackal fed its hunger, his gaping maw spewed...

Foam from the Mr. Bubbles stuck on the babies' silky blond hair, he giggled in....

Surprise and happiness as the river card completed his nut flush, and he scooped....

The huge pot bust surprised no one in town, as the police had been overzealous....

Of late she had dreamed of quitting the club and pursuing her degree, grinding against a....

"Customer is always right," bellowed the old man in McDonalds, a soggy bag of grease in his...

"Hand me that bat," said Vince, having decided this particular pigeon needed extra....

Convincing as the defense had been, Jim had decided early in the trial that this nigger was going to....

Prison exists externally as well as within your own mind. Enjoy freedom from both.

Blurb

I'm too tired and stupid to write anything of substance today. I'm probably deluding myself in thinking that I ever write anything worth a shit anyway but thats neither here nor there. Here is a link to an interesting article I discovered through this guy, and you might want to check it out.

Oh yeah, think of me on Monday while you work and I celebrate Confederate Memorial Day (A state holiday in my little backwards-ass state). How exactly would one celebrate this holiday? Watch a dirt track race? Drink a handle of beam and rant about how minorities are ruining my country? I'm sure I'll figure something out. Laters.

Have you ever.....

Ever met someone, introduced yourself and promptly forgotten their name immediately?

Ever been driving in your car and realized that you are traveling in "cruise control" to a destination that is nowhere where you originally had planned on going?

Ever been reading something and at the bottom of the page realize that you have no idea what it was that you just read?

Ever left the house and realize you just forgot the most important thing you needed for your expedition (work stuff, wallet, phone,etc?)

Ever been at home and realized that you forgot you had put something in the oven an hour or two ago and that you just burned up whatever you were cooking?

I BLAME IT ALL ON THE REEFER I HAVE CONSUMED OVER MY LIFESPAN.

happy 4/20

Even MORE people I hate

Due to the cosmic intersection of little to do and my zombie-like mood today I have plenty of time to do nothing. So my thoughts naturally turn to people that I hate. Here are some more of them:

1. Kelly Osbourne
2. Jeff Goldbloom
3. Bob Costas
4. Benny Hinn
5. Dr. Phil
6. Mike Lupica
7. Tim McCarver
8. Osama Bin Laden (remember him?)
9. John Kincade
10. Barry Bonds

Give this a try. My code name is Alfred Haiti

Poker Tournament Tips

Ok, you have sat down in the tourney and the cards are being dealt. What now?

***1. The first step is by far the most important. While many of my other tips may win you a pot here and there, this is the key to have any chance of winning the tournament. Watch the other players. In the first couple of rounds the blinds will be small, you can afford to burn these and just watch what kind of opponents you are dealing with. Usually there will be at least one extremely loose "maniac" who will be raising large amounts with "monster" hands like AJ or K10, or any pocket pair. There will also likely be players who will call any reasonable bet if they have any pair in their hand. Watch these tendencies and exploit them later when you can. That is not to say that if you pick up a real hand like QQ or better that you shouldn't play it, but since the blinds are so small it sometimes pays to just chill for a minute and see what exactly you are up against.

2.Timing. This is something that I have noticed from personal experience but haven't seen addressed in any poker book. Generally, if there is ever a hand that is showdown to the river with two very weak hands, someone will try to bluff or overplay their cards the very next hand. The reason for this is very obvious. Everyone just saw a showdown where a shitty hand won, and either player could have forced the other out with a large bet. Therefore, people are reminded that Hold 'em is a game where you don't necessarily need good cards to win, and will try to buy a pot with crap. Conversely, whenever there is a huge hand with two great hands up against each other, the next hand will generally be played passively by all. What do these two things mean? If there is a showdown between weak hands, fold most hands, and if you pick up a great hand in early position, limp and wait for the check-raise. If there has been a huge showdown, open with a raise with most any cards and be prepared to continue your aggression post-flop unless you are very sure that the flop helped any callers you got.

3. Mix up your bets. One of the things I believe I am good at in poker is mixing up my play to the point where it is very difficult to pick up a pattern. After reviewing my play I found that I generally opened with a 3-5 times the BB bet with a hand I liked, and 5-20 times the big blind with a pocket pair of 9 or higher to isolate. While I logically liked my raises and still often open with the same, I realized that I was becoming too predictable. In my eyes, a player who is just as likely to go all-in with AA as limp with AA is a very dangerous player and can get away with alot of free limps simply because players are too scared to raise because they do not know if you are trapping or not. If you watch as much poker as I do, you will see that the very top players who are killing the scene right now (Negreanu, Ivey, Hansen) mix up their play so much that people are terrified of them. They utilize people's fear and passiveness against them into seeing many cheap flops and then outplaying their opponents after the flop with their superior skill and reads. A friend of mine who was just learning how to play hold 'em used to throw me off my game when he played because he was just so reckless and aggressive with his bets that I would have to sit back and wait for a big hand. Now that he has played alot more and become a "better" player, I have a much easier time beating him because he is far easier to put on a hand. (yes I'm talking about you Chris)

4. Short-Handed strategy. I have read many books that teach you to go after the short-stacks in these situations because even if you lose, they cannot hurt you that much. That advice blows donkey dicks. Yes, if you are just trying to eke into the money, wait for the short-stacks to get knocked out if you can, but that is a pussy way to play. My advice is that if you have a decent stack late, to pick on the other leaders or large stacks as much as possible. They are likely playing the pussy way as well and are trying to wait out the short stack. This equals huge blind-stealing chances for you to cement a huge lead that will be almost impossible to relinquish. Sure, if they wake up with AK or better they will probably call you, but its worth that risk. Conversely, don't mess with the short stack unless you actually want a call. They have little/nothing to lose and are fighting to hold on. Their pot-odds will likely be right to call if you wantonly try to steal their big blind.

I ain't the greatest player in the world, but I feel like in any given tourney I could beat any given player. This is just my two cents.

Five "isn't's" that I've learned recently

1. "Do you want to fuck tonight?" isn't the greatest pick-up line in the world.
2. Staying up all night and going bowling at 10:00 A:M isn't a great idea.
3. "It isn't going to hurt to go into work hungover and short on sleep" - is a lie.
4. My prediction that the Braves aren't going to the postseason isn't true.
5. Drugs, booze and gambling isn't what life is about.

Anecdote

Once I worked at a golf course. It was a nice, private golf course and I worked as both a caddie and a valet. One day as I came in and parked for the morning shift I felt the strangest feeling. It was a beautiful July day, the sun shining and the trees and flowers in full bloom. As I got out of my car into the 90 degree heat I felt like I wanted to burn out. No, I didn't want to go home and get high and crash in front of the television eating junk food. What I wanted to do was run under that sun. Run and work and run and work and sweat and sweat until I was no more. Until I was nothing but a skeleton running. I suppose at some point I would have collapsed and maybe died. But in that moment I didn't care. Really what would be a better way to die than that, to totally burn yourself up under the hot sun. Instead I went to work and I have never felt that feeling again.

The appointment

Doc: Hey cant, you've been acting kinda strange recently, are you alright?

cantseefade: I'm aight.

Doc: You aren't going to do anything drastic are you, you don't feel like hurting anyone do you?

cantseefade: I ain't promising sheet, ain't no man promised tomorrow doc.

Doc: Well ok then, lets play a game...

cantseefade: How much cash you got homie?

Doc: No, no, not a gambling game, a word association game. I'll say a word or phrase and you tell me the first thing that comes into your head.

cantseefade: Sounds like some ol' bullshit to me, but come on with it.

Doc: Ok... Eric Rudolph

cantseefade: Showed no remorse in court and tried to flip the trial into an indictment of the U.S. government and abortion. He did apologize for the Olympic bombing though as it caused more harm than he intended. His views really aren't that different than many people in the rural south, the only difference is that he acted on his convictions. He committed the crimes and will now spend the rest of his days in a concrete room sleeping on a concrete bed. That sounds about right.

Doc: Mike Vick

cantseefade: Oh, you talkin bout my nigga Ron Mexico. That fool gotta control his outbreaks fo life man, that shit aint no joke. He also has a tough muthafuckin schedule to deal with this season with five primetime games and the AFC East on the schedule. They'll be lucky to make the playoffs but I'll be up in that piece getting rowdy.

Doc: How about....

cantseefade: This was a dumbass idea, I'm outta here.

Doc: Wait, I haven't....

cantseefade: I suggest you shut the fuck up 'fore you get dealt with, trigger ain't got no heart hoe. I said I'm out and I'm gonna leave whether I got blood on my Tims or not.

Doc: That was very productive for a first appointment, I'll see you next visit.

It all blends perfectly.. let the liquor tell it

"A wave of unreality washed over him"

Subway will toast your sandwiches now but liquor is quicker and ask for the wolfman to call on the experts for clean and bright, call on stanley's steamers, fuck tamara birch. We'll settle if you have gary martin hayes, but not willie or even rutherford b. or those pussies gilbert and montlick, or was it donna but she's a cokehead bitch just like her daddy and i've got the silverbullet but not coors cause it tastes like piss, although for $3.75 a pitcher it's a good deal.
Hate is the new love like war is the new peace but might has always made right at least in the eyes of those with it and while i rob in my black tee and steal in my white tee i cant understand why m.j. and that junkie who is on that friends show are shooting pool but the world keeps slipping, slipping slipping, into an illusion that i don't like but others can use to capture your mind and body but not your soul like a polaroid picture that you can shake and shake and shake until something clicks inside your brain and unreality retreats.....

A night at the ballpark

He watched his prey as he ate his peanuts. His son sipped a $4.50 coca-cola and munched on popcorn. Occasionally dazzling bursts of flashbulbs emerged from the sea of bodies that surrounded them. Covertly, his fingers slipped to the inside of his coat where his .45 bereta lay inside a hidden pocket. Briefly his mind contemplated what would happen to his son after it was over. He hoped he would be returned safely and that no one would recognize him later. Then he thought of his own legacy, how he would save the purity of the game, save the world itself from the encroaching evil. His act would be a beacon in the dark. So too was the moon above the ballpark, as it shown down on them, crevices and all. Despite its imperfections it was beautiful, much like what he was undertaking. It wouldn't be clean or easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Soon the inning would end. Soon number 25 would return to his position in left field. Soon it would be over. Across the stadium a group of fans urged others to join in the wave.

Discipline..... and reward

Two hands.... first was the first of the game and the last was the last.

Dealt to cantseefade [ Ks, Kh ]
tymetoretire raises (30) to 30
anonymous777 folds.
Kekepuff folds.
dabigbubba folds.
cantseefade raises (200) to 200
Zman65 folds.
FeldUM24 calls (200)
BigJoeDizzle folds.
ChipReesh77 folds.
jonny1234 folds.
tymetoretire calls (170)
** Dealing Flop ** : [ Ah, 4h, 9d ]
tymetoretire bets (600)
tymetoretire is all-In.
cantseefade: fuckin KK
cantseefade folds.

3Seat 5: tymetoretire (360)Seat 7: Kekepuff (1930)Seat 9: cantseefade (5710)
tymetoretire posts small blind (200)
Kekepuff posts big blind (400)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to cantseefade [ 4h, As ]
cantseefade raises (5710) to 5710cantseefade is all-In.
tymetoretire calls (160)tymetoretire is all-In.
Kekepuff calls (1530)Kekepuff is all-In.

** Dealing Flop ** : [ Ks, 9s, Qs ]
** Dealing Turn ** : [ 2s ]
** Dealing River ** : [ 5s ]
** Summary **Main Pot: 1080 Side Pot 1: 3140 Side Pot 2: 3780Board: [ Ks 9s Qs 2s 5s ]tymetoretire balance 0, lost 360 [ 7h 7d ] [ a flush, king high -- Ks,Qs,9s,5s,2s ]
Kekepuff balance 0, lost 1930 [ 9c Qc ] [ a flush, king high -- Ks,Qs,9s,5s,2s ]
cantseefade balance 8000, bet 5710, collected 8000, net +2290 [ 4h As ] [ a flush, ace high with ace kicker -- As,Ks,Qs,9s,5s ]

One of these are true

1. Aced an ATP tour player.
2. Been locked up in three different jails.
3. Argued a drug supression motion in front of a judge for a client.
4. Been jumped.
5. Slapped by a 300+ pound black stripper for thinking she was a guy.

Fooled ya!! They are all true. Have a great weekend and play a trick on someone today!!

Here are some song lyrics to get you through the day:
"baby said that she liked it rough so I hit that pussy till she said she had enough
so check it out y'all heres the caper
she came back and tried to say that I raped her
she got a lawyer and she wants to sue but no baby I'm not going to be able to do
I said sike I aint going out like mike and I don't think that its funny when your fuckin with my money
yeah so thats when I had to flip the caper cause the horny man video taped her
and the Judge couldn't say a thing cause she was riddin on my dick like a porno queen
so this is going to that crocked bitch you can suck my dick while I light my spliff"-Fat Blunt Caper by Total Devastation