Cracksmoke

The words come like burners out the clip
Shreddin your mind with a flip of the lip
The Ice, the brilliance, and the grime
Gotta leave Gucci Mane out this verse cause orange dont rhyme
The world watching and waiting like the future is promised
Like folks in the sandbox wondering when they goin bomb us

Teddy Grahams or Teddy Ruxbin?
My little buddy or Chucky?
Speak and Spell or Simon?

I have discovered a couple of positive characteristics to working with the obese.
1. You can hear them coming.
2. On party days (like today) they bring good food and lots of it.
3. If aliens, lions, zombies, or bears snuck in and tried to eat everyone I would be the least appetizing and could get away faster.

Three Square Meals

They think they know but they have no earthly clue. It wasn't Peacock in the hallway with the rope bitch, it was the muthafucking wrench. She clubbed his skull and scrambled his brain and then Evette cooked it while her titties bounced around and everyone ate the skillet of Mr. X's brains and laughed and drank mimosas and bloody mary's and had a delightful breakfast.

The refried beans and chimicangas would have tasted better with the rain water. Of course that is because the rain water on this planet resembles the nacho cheese here on earth. And there was no one sitting down to eat these perfectly cooked beans and chimicangas with tasty shredded beef bubbling beneath the flaky flour crust. And why is this? Because the wind had been blowing before the rain. And the wind on this planet most resembles razor blades on ours.

For dinner he curled up with a hot pocket and watched queer eye on Bravo. He contemplated the ridiculousness of our culture and how we had to be in some sort of decline. Then again, if our civilization had peaked, at what point would that have been. He didn't know. People were for the most part good people and left each other alone. It was just that sometimes people were so cruel and tried to force their ideas on him. He had been beaten up many times in his life. After he finished his hot pockets he prayed to Lucifer for the strength to carry on and went to bed.

Why people are obese: Part one

I work in a two-story building. We have an elevator about 20 feet from a large stairway. The elevator is very slow. I would estimate 60% of employees take the elevator when going upstairs. 'Nuff said.

Zen story and assorted crap

There once was a village in China. A monk lived by himself outside of town. The monk kept to himself, and only came into town to buy supplies for himself and his animals from time to time. One day a young girl from the town discovered that she was pregnant. Her parents were enraged and demanded to know who the father was (they didn't have Maury Povich back then). The weeping girl told her parents that it was the monk from outside of town. After the child was born, the parents went to the monk's house and presented the baby to the monk, cursing him and demanding that he take care of his child. The monk listened to all they had to say, and accepted the child with but a single sentence, "Is that so?"

From then on the monk took care of the child, he came into town to purchase supplies for the baby. The townspeople, who had liked him before, now shunned him and hated him for what he had done. His reputation was shot. Nevertheless, the monk cared for the baby and never said anything about it.

Years later, the mother confessed to her parents that a local boy was the father and that she had never been with the monk. Upon hearing this, the family went to the monk's house, apologized profusely, and asked for the child back. The monk listened to all they had to say and handed the child over with a single sentence, "Is that so?"

(this is but my poor paraphrasing of a story that appears in this book)

Congratulations to Kyle Davies and Dwayne Wade. Davies may be just what the doctor ordered for our injury-riddled pitching staff and Wade may give LeBron a run for his money as far as being "the truth" in the NBA.

Season-finales of all these Network shows.... *yawn*. Bring on some new Aqua Teen, Insomniac, Sopranos, Ali G, Curb your Enthusiasm, and Football and I'll watch. Until then fuck all these shows. Trisha Underwood wins American Idol.... whoopdee fucking doo.

South Carolina and UT players fight, steal, smoke pot, and get locked up. Some UGA players fight, drive poorly, and smoke pot and get locked up. The difference is some UGA players also save lives. Funny how these sort of stories get buried while the bar fights are front page stuff.

In light of my little post yesterday (which of course could fill several books if fully expounded on, as has been done by authors far greater than I) I found this little tidbit concerning Pat Robertson particularly amusing/troublesome depending on if you believe the world really to be worth saving.

Until our next installment, As sala'amu alaikum.

The End of Days

"I think God wants me to be President" - President George "Dubya" Bush

Religion and Mythology. Assuming a difference between the two, how did they come to be? The common answer is that they were bourne of Man's need to understand the world/universe around him. Common questions concerning this are "Why am I here?", "What created all this?", and "What happens when I die?" The ancient Norsemen believed that the Gods would battle the their foes in the battle of Ragnarok, Babylonians believed that Marduk would slay Tiamat and found Babylon, and thousands of years later, a book was written that decried Christ would return one day and defeat the Antichrist, and the world would be reborn in blood.

Pretty fanciful stuff huh? Not so to many evangelical Christians who have been discussing how close we are to this final battle. And while no one can tell just what is the day when "the shit is gonna hit the fan", it appears that to many, it can't come soon enough.

Evangelical puppets like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell continuously preach that we need to crush the terrorists, call Islam a "backwards" religion, and reinforce the need to allow Jews to control Jerusalem. These views are entirely consistent with both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible (although Jesus would unlikely be so sharply critical of Islam).

What is so troubling about all this is that the Bible describes Armageddon beginning with a conflict in the Middle East and that Jesus would not return (i.e. everybody dies) until the Jews were back in the Holy Land. It would seem that our interests in that area would be creating exactly the sort of conflict described in the Bible as leading to the end of the World. And who is the world leader who has led two attacks in this region- George W. Bush. Good ol' born again W. Leading us in the summer blockbuster Crusades II. Only this time the special effects are better. How much better? Just you watch.

Redemption

Lies emerging from vomit-caked clothes
Boiling rage spilling over, steaming in the cold night air
Sentences expertly carved to inflict maximum emotional pain
Arrogance, fear, envy, bigotry, self-loathing
Demons whispering
Their seductions external as well as mental

Rise above it all

Atop the highest peak a cauldron burns with the hottest flame
Hurdling towards this dancing fire is a majestic creature
Even with its tattered wings and battle scars it is unmistakable
The phoenix returns to the fire, and is utterly consumed
Only to emerge, cleansed and reborn

Rising above it all

Yeah, I'm still alive. I told ya'll I can't see fade

Let's See....

If I can convince my boss that I need to go to Athens to get a buffalo chicken sandwich, a 32-oz beer, and a court document that I need.

Tomorrow I will post either one of my shitty stories or a rant about why the apocalypse is a self-fulfilling prophecy that is being perpetuated by the Bush administration, the religious right, and all these idiotic fucking terrorists. Commenters have the power to choose. Choose wisely. Or say nothing. Or slit your wrist with a rusty spoon. Or have sex with the corpse of Nell Carter. You get the picture.

Weekend wrapup

-Bad poker playing
-Poor decision making
-Strippers like me
-Cheap drinks
-Keep 'em laughing
-Randoms
-Lost phone

The tree is one
but the branches
many

Props to Damian Wilkens for dropping 15 (7-11 FG's) on the Spurs this weekend. Go Dawgs.

One-Track Mind

The Sun was Oppressively hot

This thought continuously wrote itself across the blackboard of his mind. He was powerless to stop it. He imagined this thought as a worm tunneling through his brain. Could it kill him? Was it a blood-sucking worm, devouring the grey matter until his head was but a hollowed-out shell? He drew upon his memories of childhood snowstorms, of sledding down frozen hills, of perfectly thrown snowballs wetly smacking against the face of his target. These were but momentary distractions however, as the relentless drumbeat of his single thought continued to pound away.

The Sun was Oppressively hot

He supposed he was going insane, as he couldn't even control his own mind anymore. He suddenly remembered the scene from the move pi when Max drills into his own skull because his thoughts were driving him insane. Then even the whisper of this memory was drowned out by the screaming monotony of this ONE FUCKING PHRASE.

The Sun was Oppressively hot The Sun was Oppressively hot The Sun was Oppressively hot
The Sun was Oppressively hot The Sun was Oppressively hot The Sun was Oppressively hot

He staggered around, his face a mask of confusion and pain, he could think no more, his thought pattern was a broken record, the mantra of his doom forever repeating. Suddenly his hands flew up to his throat and ripped and tore as best they could with his manicured nails. The thoughts slowed as his life blood seeped into the sand around him, and eventually stopped altogether.

Hours later his bloated and swollen body was found by another beachgoer and shortly thereafter the police arrived. "Damn its hot out here!", the first cop exclaimed.

NEXT REAL WORLD CAST MEMBER TO DIE ODDS:

Frankie: 2:1
Puck: 5:1
Eric Nies: 20:1
Mike "the Miz" 25:1
Neil 15:1
Karamo: 20:1

All action (up to $1000) will be covered.

This sucks

I want to go to the beach.
I want to have water balloon fights.
I want to set off fireworks at night.
I want to go swimming.
I want to sit on a chair and read a book and drink a beer and watch the ocean.
I want to play drinking games and take beer bongs.
I want to look at girls in bikinis.
I WANT TO HAVE SPRING BREAK FROM WORK

Anyone got any leads on lotto numbers tonight? I would quit my job and become a pro poker player so fast it would make your head spin.

Contest

As a youth I used to go out and play outside all the time. That is of course, when I wasn't inside watching shows like Woody Woodpecker, Tom and Jerry, and You can't do that on television. I also enjoyed playing video games.

Can you name these old-school video games?

1. Eaten by a grue (they only live in the dark).
2. The Red ring helps, but you can't win without the silver arrow.
3. On the final stage you can become the Golden Werewolf.
4. up,up,down,down,left,right,left,right,b,a,select,start.
5. Don Flamengo is a pussy.
6. Kano will rip your heart out son.
7. The final boss is a toad who you kill by throwing vegetables at him.
8. Gotta have the ice beam to get to the Mother Brain.
9. Alligators, Scorpions, pits, and water are all that can kill you.
10. You gotta kill the bad guys by pumping them up full of air until they pop.

I still own six of the above games and I would be happy to send the winner any of them as a prize. (Except for #5 as I still play it occasionally and consider it a collector's item). Gotta get all ten to win though.

Sport Update

"Looking good Louis."
"Feeling good, Valentine." - Trading Places

Shit from the sporting front is going pretty well. The Bravos are in first place and appear to have one of the best starting rotations in the majors. Offensively, they haven't kicked things into high gear, but they are still capable of 16-0 outbursts like the one we put on the Astros last night. Andruw Jones is the only guy who isn't "pulling his weight" so to speak, but I'll give him another month or two before he really draws my wrath.

The plight of the struggling Yankees' also brings a smile to my face as I pretty much hate everyone on that godforsaken team.

NFL wise things are pretty quiet, the Falcons drafted a WR in the first for essentially the third straight year (Peerless came via trade in 2003), and although I was expecting a DL, anything to jumpstart our passing game that resembled a High School offense last year can't be too bad of an idea. I just hope Roddy White is ready to contribute immediately and that Michael Jenkins shows improvement from last year (although to be fair he didn't get alot of snaps to showcase his abilities). Hopefully Vick's STD woes will keep him home watching game film so perhaps our franchise can have our first ever back to back winning seasons. How's that for a pitiful history!

NBA playoffs have been pretty exciting and its looks like my early picks are coming to fruition. I'm not sure the Spurs are going to be up to taking down the Suns in five but I picked it so I'll stand by it for now. And congrats to Steve Nash for winning the MVP as a six foot white dude who probably can't dunk. Maybe shooting and passing do still have a place in the NBA. Who woulda thunk it?

Will O' the Wisp

It was after about four hours of drinking that I noticed her. I was mainly holding court with the jesters around me, but I kept noticing her looking over my way. Her eyes seemed to radiate with some great amusement even though she wasn't smiling. She sat at a table with another girl. She sipped some sort of red drink and smoked a cigarette. On my way to the bathroom she nudged against me and whispered in my ear.

Later that night we were smoking cocaine back at her apartment. I fucked her and her friend and we stayed up all night drinking vodka and watching Brazil on television. Later we did more cocaine, fucked more and watched Maury and Jerry Springer.

Soon thereafter I lost my job and my family. I still had her though, and we were together constantly. She showed me all kinds of things I had never found before. Maybe it was because I had never looked for them.

One day I took a Frisco speedball and I never woke up. The doctor said my heart pretty much exploded. It rained the day I was buried and although some people cried, no one was very surprised.

She didn't come.

She's still up at the bar. Maybe one night you will find her as well. Do yourself a favor, walk away.

Self-Titled

I had a dream last night where I was living in a house next door to my brother. But then I discovered he was a vampire and he almost turned me into one. But I got away from him and then day came. Then I had a few hours till nightfall and I kept thinking about how I could get far enough away to where he couldn't reach me because he would only have like 12 hours or so to get me before the Sun would come up and he would melt or whatever. I remember wondering about whether or not vampires could ride on planes and take red-eye flights. So then I went pretty far away but another vampire found me and I was hiding in a small room and I could hear the vampire right outside my door and then....... I woke up, and it was 4:06 in the morning. So I went back to sleep and went to work and here I am typing this shit.

Whats really weird is that if I really found some vampires I would probably want them to bite me. Kinda like Galaga how you let your ship get caught in the tractor beam so you can get even more powerful with the double ship. I could live forever and kill shitloads of people... man what a great life. Oh yeah, fuck Louis Williams for going pro and dissing my dawgs as well. There is definitely something mentally wrong with me. Perhaps liters of margaritas and beer will straighten out my mind tonight.

"If you're gonna scream, scream with me
Moments like this never last
When do creatures rape your face
Hybrids opened up the door
Ooh baby when you cry
Your face is momentary
You hide your looks behind these scars " -The Misfits Hybrid Moments

Dr. Jekyll meets Mr. Quotation

Dr. Jekyll: "Hello Mr. Quotation, I have something wonderful to show you, I have invented a potion that enhances ones self-esteem, confidence, and physical prowess!"

Mr. Quotation: "I don't think necessity is the mother of invention - invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness. To save oneself trouble."

Dr. Jekyll: "Umm.. but women see me as a nit, a weakling. With this potion I can become the man I wish to be."

Mr. Quotation: "What's meant to be will always find a way."

Dr. Jekyll: "Indeed, and this potion will allow me to become a superman. I will have the ability to achieve my destiny. My research indicates that there is a 90% chance of success."

Mr. Quotation: "Statistics are like bikini's, what they show is nice, but what they conceal is vital."

Dr. Jekyll: "What are these bikini's you speak of? Quit speaking gibberish. It's time for my ultimate becoming!!"

Mr. Quotation: "Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in the face of certain defeat."

Dr. Jekyll: (Drinks potion... morphs into the misshapen, brutish figure of Hyde) "Oh no, what have I become!? My experiment... has... FAILED!"

Mr. Quotation: "A failure is a man who has blundered but is not capable of cashing in on the experience."

Mr. Hyde: "I would advise you not to mock me, you insolent fool, or you will suffer my wrath."

Mr. Quotation: "Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or the handle."

Mr. Hyde: (Laughing maniacally, picking up a scalpel from a nearby table)

Mr. Quotation: "In every parting there is an image of death."

Mr. Hyde: (Savagely plunges the scalpel into Mr. Quotation's throat, proceeds to cut/saw his head off as a torrent of blood sprays the room like a sprinkler)

Mr. Quotation: (gurble... gurble...)

Mr. Hyde: "Fuckin' know-it-all."


THE END

"Would you like to play a friendly game of chess?"

It was a crisp, cool morning. Marcus popped the cap off his heineken 22-ounce with his lighter. Frothy bubbles erupted from the neck and were promptly wiped away with his wizened hand. His gaze then returned to the chessboard where he was locked in intense combat. J-Smooth, his opponent, had just made an aggressive sacrifice with his bishop that had knocked a hole in what had previously been an airtight castled defense. J-Smooth eyed him warily in between drags of his Kool. He took the bishop with his king and placed it next to the empty bottle he had just drank. "Check", said J-Smooth, immediately moving his Queen to the Rook file. "That ain't shit", replied Marcus with a laugh, sliding his King back behind his Knight-pawn, "I got your defense". Internally though, he wasn't so sure, he had always preferred the attacking game, and it looked like this move was going to put him on the defense for awhile. As J-Smooth contemplated his next move, Marcus took a long swig off his beer and opened up the sports page next to him. Around him, birds chirped and the sun shone brightly. He had spent yesterday a local bar watching the NFL openers, and Monday night football debuted tonight with his team, the NFC Champion NY Giants taking on the Broncos. He liked Shockey and Strahan, but Tiki seemed to be about half-queer and too soft to carry them to the Super Bowl title the way Rodney Garner had. He sure hadn't done shit against the Ravens last year.

A shadow fell across the park, and both chess adversaries looked up to see a low-flying plane momentarily blot out the sun before continuing on its path. Thats odd... thought Marcus before looking back at his paper. J-Smooth then moved his knight closer to the frey, obviously trying to press his attack. Marcus put down the paper and studied the ancient game again. It was beautiful really, the struggle for territory, for supremacy of all squares. He wondered how many great leaders from history had played this game. He knew that Napoleon had played, but had not been all that good. He wondered if Bush knew how to play, he'd get his loot took down here at Central Park, that's for sure, but could he actually play? He guessed he'd never know. "If you just gonna sit there and stare all day nigga, hand me that paper", hissed J-Smooth, nonchalantly tossing his butt into the grass. "I'm thinking, somethin' you oughta start doing when you playin a grandmasta like me", he replied, tossing the paper over to him. "Damn, it's September 11th already?", said J-Smooth, "my girl's birthday is next week".

Here is a link to a good blog by a soldier stationed in Iraq.